If I Could Turn Back Time
by explicit.reckless.violence
Summary: {full disclaimer inside} Katerin Donald's often wondered what might she do differently if she could turn back time.. So has her former classmate and now professional wrestler, Dean Ambrose. When she takes a job as a photographer for some story that the WWE is doing on the new stable, Shield, and their paths cross again, do they finally fix what went so wrong before?
1. authors notes 1

Disclaimers & Whatnot

I don't own the WWE, I don't own any of the superstars on the roster, and I'm not making any profit. Nor am I suggesting or claiming to know what any of them are like offscreen. This story is completely fictional, and it's not something I'd normally write.

In fact, I started to not post it, because there's so many stories for Dean Ambrose/The Shield already. I tried ignoring the idea, but for a while now, it's been bugging me. So now I'm writing it.

Warnings:

-Swearing, tons of it. If that offends anyone, do not read this. Seriously.

- dark themes/unlikely situations.. I put this here, now, because I've already written a flashbackesque introduction to the story, and it's kind of dark, and in it, my oc, Katerin, well.. She's a teenage prostitue. But it's NOT because she chose the life. It's because she was forced into it through circumstances she could not control (at the time the flashback prologue takes place, she's 16, btw, Dean is 18 and almost 19) which ultimately change for the better by the end of said flashback.. Before anyone gripes, you were warned here, in this chapter, what to expect.

- occasional ooc moments. Look, I've been a longtime fan of the guy, but seriously, I'm not perfect. With his being so damn unpredictable in character, for some situations he might potentially wind up in, he might be a little ooc. Sorry ahead of time, I'm going to try my best though.

-sooner or later, yes, there will be sex. And there will probably be violent arguments, things of that nature too.

Summary:

There's always that one moment in your childhood you wish you could go back, do over. For Katerin, it was probably the night that her high school crush, Jonathan Good, aka WWE's Dean Ambrose, discovered the worst of her secrets and she saw the look of disgust in his eyes.

For Jonathan Good, aka Dean Ambrose, it's the fact that he reacted the way he did to that secret and did nothing to try and help her. Especially after he reads what she writes in his yearbook at the end of the year, and realizes that she's moved or is moving, and he won't see her again.

When forces beyond their control throw them together again later in their life, will they finally get to press 'rewind' and fix things? Or will there be even more miscommunication?


	2. how it all started - flashback

_Flashback_

_(Dean is 18, Katerin is 16 and going on 17)_

"_Yeah, how about no, buddy?" the blonde replied as she rolled her eyes and studied the guy in front of her intently. Three times tonight she'd told him to get lost and all three times, she'd look up from her book and find the guy standing over her, yet again._

"_Ya don't have to be such a bitch." the blond male said as he fixed piercing blue eyes on her intently, then flopped down._

"_I do when you're invading my personal space now don't I.." the blonde asked as she looked up, calmly took a drag from her cigarette, crushed it out. "What do you want, anyway?"_

"_Saw ya in English. Ya in the class before me, right?"_

"_Oh joy.. Thought I recognized you.. It's Jon, right? Or Jonny or some shit.." _

"_Yeah, Jonathan. Whats ya name?"_

_The blonde rolled her eyes as she raked her hand through her thick blonde hair and looked down at her hands, the book she held in them. It was quite obvious the guy wasn't just going to get lost and leave her already, so she indulged him for now and said quietly, "It's Katerin."_

"_Ya mean Katherine?"_

"_No. K-A-T-E-R-I-N. As in it's Russian." the blonde replied as she scanned the alley, nervous. _

_Jon, of course, saw her looking around and looked around too. But quickly enough, he found his gaze focusing back on her, as it had been a lot lately.. Probably since that intense father daughter fight outside of their school, after parents night._

_Of course, his mom, she'd been 'working' and hadn't went, but he'd seen it when he stepped out of the gym across the street. He'd almost went over and stopped it, then he'd reminded himself it frankly wasn't any of his business._

_Then there was the watercolor sketch she'd left behind on her desk, of him, when she was in a hurry to leave class earlier._

_He shoved his hand into his pocket and held out the folded piece of sketch pad paper._

"_This yours?"_

_Katerin groaned to herself and studied him a moment before taking the piece of paper, almost snatching it from his hands as she unfolded it._

_So he'd found the drawing she did of him. In her own defense, she'd only even drawn him in the first place because he was the only decent looking person she could actually focus on and draw halfway realistically. Or that's what she'd stubbornly insist because for one thing, he was older, and another, she'd heard everything about him, how he was and the fact that she even felt anything for him, well, it scared him.. Then there was the fact that she was a nothing, a pathetic little sophomore, he was graduating this year._

"_Yeah, it's mine." she said stiffly as she shoved the paper into her pocket, glaring at him when he caught her wrist, held onto it roughly and then asked, "What the fuck happened there?" at seeing her wrist wrapped in gauze._

"_Burnt it. Not that it's any of your business. Don't you have dogs to murder tonight, Good?" she asked defensively, as she looked up at him, brow cocked in amusement, a bitter smirk painting her lips as she found herself getting lost in his eyes for some reason, unable to really focus on anything around her._

_Jon sneered and leaning in said with a slightly cold and evil tone of voice, "Don't know, Kat.. Do ya have one?"_

_For some reason, Katerin wasn't sure why exactly, she found herself doubling over and honest to God laughing at his retort to her defensive remark. For the first time in a little over a week, since her life had taken a turn for the absolute worst, she was laughing about something, and she really meant it, too._

"_The hell is so damn funny?"_

"_I don't know." she gasped as she stopped laughing and wiped at her eye then said quietly, "You should go.. Now."_

"_What if I don't wanna?"_

"_Get lost, Good or you won't like what happens. Just trust me.. Right here? Talkin to me? Not somewhere you wanna be in exactly 10 minutes."_

"_Right because that ape football player ya datin."_

"_I'm not dating that egotistical sack of shit.. It's complicated to explain, okay, damn it? Just go.. Please?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Damn it, I swear to Christ, I mean it, Jon. Get lost. Now."_

_She bit her lip, grimacing because the more time he spent fighting her on his staying or leaving, the closer her mother's boss/boyfriend got to where she sat.. He was almost close enough now that she could smell the Southern Comfort and Coca Cola on his breath when he spoke up and said "This kid better be givin ya somethin, Katerin."_

_Jon looked from Katerin to the man then back again, blinking, repulsed. She did the same thing his ma did? For a living?_

_Katerin sighed and looked down. She hadn't wanted anyone to find out just how far gone her mom was, how her mom basically 'sold her out' to her boyfriend to make a little extra drug money and pay the rent._

_Of course, to date, she'd managed to keep from __**actually**__ sleeping with anyone as of yet, but she'd just started about a week before, because that's when her mother, desperate for drugs and rent, did what she'd done.. She mostly just sat at her 'spot' and read, ignored anyone who approached her. Most of the time, it worked, or they'd move on to a more willing girl. Sometimes, though, she'd have to fight or cry or do something to make them change their minds about their potential plans with her. She carried a knife with her constantly now and somehow, word had gotten around at school, to most of the 'rich guys', and they'd started 'offering' then.. With those idiots, she took the money and she'd never show up or she'd call them on their bluffs and 'make a deal' with them. So far, that'd been working fairly well too, all things considered.. But she had this feeling sooner or later, her luck would run out._

_Apparently, tonight, of all nights, was going to be that night. Because the only guy she hadn't wanted seeing her out here, like this.. Well, he was standing in front of her now and he just wouldn't leave._

"_I told you to leave." Katerin said quietly as the man smirked at Jon and then said "Pay up or fuck off kid. Your choice. This girl belongs to me, her ma's already promised. Bitch owes me money."_

_Jonathon muttered something under his breath and walked away angry and completely and totally sickened by what he'd just found out. "Knew there had to be somethin wrong with that bitch." as he walked away, went back into his apartment._

_From then on, when he'd see her, he'd find himself watching her. But if they got stuck working together or alone together, he'd usually say something completely cruel and walk away. She was going to be just like his mother, and he wasn't going to fall for that. Ever._

_Katerin, however, found herself thinking about the guy, about their whole conversation in the alley and sometimes when they were in class, she'd find herself watching him. By now, she'd asked around, found out exactly what he lived with and through, and she found herself wishing she could do that entire night over._

_But the look on his face when her mother's boss/boyfriend walked over, explained what she was at the time being forced into doing, by her own mother.._

_It ate at her. _

_It ate at her almost as badly as whatever she felt for the guy did._

_Graduation came, and the teachers were passing out yearbooks. By now, she'd managed to find an aunt who'd take her, and said aunt was coming to get her, with a lawyer and police escorts this afternoon. This was her last official day in Cincinatti and of course, she'd been looking for Jon all day, hadn't seen him yet. "I'm never gonna get to tell him anything." she sighed in defeat.._

_She walked into her last class of the day, found his yearbook sitting on the desk he sat in the period before her and looked around, making sure nobody saw before picking up a pen, settling in to write probably the most personal thing she'd ever written. The 'message' covered everything, how she felt about him, why she'd drawn his picture, what she knew about him and why it didn't really matter, and most importantly, how she wished he hadn't chosen that particular night to actually approach her, and how she'd gotten out of that situation finally and most likely, he wouldn't ever see her again because she was getting the hell out of Ohio, going to live with an aunt in Tuscaloosa,Alabama.._

_She left the yearbook beneath his desk in the book tray when she finished, and when he walked in, probably to get his yearbook, she barely looked up, pretended interest in a book she was reading._

_The two never really saw one another after that, Katerin went one way, Jon went another, but neither realized that sooner or later, they'd come full circle, their paths would inevitably cross again..._


	3. its all just a random coincidence right

_Current day, 2013_

Katerin bit her lip as she hit the zoom button on her Nikon, focusing on the subject of her photo shoot, which currently, was two female wrestlers named Brie and Nikki Bella. They had a show airing soon, the company they worked for hired Katerin to do a photo spread for their magazine, their usual guy had apparently quit recently.

"Turn to the left." Katerin directed, nibbling her lower lip as she stepped back, studied the photo a moment then tried to focus on what would make it better. She walked over, moved Brie to where Nikki once stood, and then Nikki to where Brie had been, then handed them both a prop flower.

"Okay, let's try this again. Smile."

The twins, of course, had no problem doing this very thing, they were good at it.

"Be flirty with the camera, ladies, damn. Seriously.. What happened to all that sexiness on the trailer for the show?"

"It's 6 am." Brie said sarcastically as Nikki added, "We don't do early mornings."

Katerin mocked them under her breath, rolling her eyes. This was the downside to her job, her owning her own photography studio. She had to deal with people. For the most part, people actually annoyed her. "Yeah? Well I am, and this needs to be done by this afternoon so the magazine can go to print. So put on your sexy hats and your big girl panties, deal with it." Katerin said as she smirked, set her camera up for a few rapid fire shots and then went back over the pictures taken so far.

"Not the best, but with a little enhancement, hey.." she muttered as she gave them instructions for a new pose, took a few more pictures.

So far, this had been one of her highest paying jobs yet, and it was a one time thing, so she was doing her best with the time allotted.. It wasn't easy to photograph every single person who'd be in a new magazine issue, but hey.. She'd once said she couldn't photograph 3 high society weddings in one day, and she'd proven that one wrong too, so when Vince McMahon, owner of WWE, approached her about covering for their usual in house photographer, she'd agreed.

She'd have been an idiot not to, after she saw the check he was going to cut her for one days work.

But here it was, 6 am and already she had the telltale signs of a bitching migraine and she was asking herself had she really bitten off more than she could chew this time? She'd only just gotten the Bellas done and they were the first of at least 8 articles that needed photos to accompany them.

The Bellas had only just walked out, and the door opened again, the voice belonging to one of the males had her ears perking. It sounded familiar, it literally slammed her right back into her childhood, particularly her teenage years.

_'You're just imagining it. There's no fucking way it's him, Katerin.' _ her mind argued as she raked her hand through her hair, stood up and looked at the three men.

"We're here for pictures or something?" Dean muttered, still half asleep at this early hour. He studied the curvy female with caramel colored hair for a moment, his hand in his hair.

She looked really, really familiar.

"Over there, Mr.."

"Ambrose."

_'Knew it wasn't him.' _ she thought to herself as the three men walked over to the set up, sitting how she had them arranged, solemn and stern faced.

"Smile?"

"We're not exactly known for smiling, babe." Roman said as Seth smirked a little then asked, "You don't watch.. Do you?"

Katerin shook her head and said "Nope. Only time I've ever seen or remotely been interested in seeing someone fight was this guy I knew a long time ago.." as her voice trailed off, she bit her full lower lip. "Tall guy.. You're gonna have to stand in the middle. Picture will look hella unbalanced if you don't."

"Name's Roman. What's yours?"

"Call me Kate."

As soon as she said the name, Dean looked at her, focusing a little more.

_'Nah.. coincidence they have similar names. That's all.' _ he muttered as he studied her, watching her mess with the expensive looking photography equipment. He noticed a few hand drawn sketches framed on the pristine white walls of the studio/office space and again he had the sneaking suspicion..

But again he ruled it out to coincidence. There wasn't any telling what happened to his Kat, or the one he remembered at least.

Besides, this photographer's name was Kate Donald. According to the little he'd found out, just out of curiousity when he found out a girl was going to be their photographer this time (because of course, he was intent on flirting with her, maybe scaring her a little if he felt up to it) she'd never once been to Ohio.

Something about her face though, her eyes in particular.. It kept nagging at him, so much to the point that when she was standing in front of them, positioning them, laughing at Seth's astute observation 'bossy little thing, isn't she guys?' but not responding, as she went to walk away, he grabbed her wrist, a little roughly and turned her around.

"Do I know ya, babe?"

Katerin looked at him. Okay, so yeah.. He had piercing blue eyes, the same annoying way of pronouncing things as he had back then and the same cocky don't give a damn grin..

But what guy now days, especially working for this company, she'd noticed, didn't?

It wasn't Jon.

And the fact that she still thought of him 24/7, over and over, no matter what she tried to do to make herself stop, it was a little scary to her and annoying to boot. She was 25 now. That life was a million light years away, she'd left it behind and for very good reason.

Seeing him in the hallways at school had probably been the only thing that kept the girl going back then, and when she didn't even have that anymore, well..

She'd decided to cut any and all ties with that part of herself, reinvented herself, starting with a move to Tuscaloosa when she was about to start her junior year. Then she changed her name to Kate Donald, or Katherine, rather.

Subconsciously, she knew exactly why she chose that name to go by, but nobody else did.

She studied him intently a moment before shrugging then saying "Doubt it." as she finished positioning the men then stepped back behind the camera, snapping off more than a few shots.

She had to admit, they were easy on the eyes, the blond male with the piercing blue eyes moreso than the other two.

She'd just gotten them out of her office and put her feet up on her desk when she heard someone clearing their throat.

"Come back in an hour, I'm on lunch." she muttered, really only wanting to compose herself mentally.. Even now, if she so much as smelled cologne like that Axe shit he used to wear when she'd went to school with him, she tended to find herself in a daze, off kilter.

For someone so carefully controlled, this really annoyed her to no end.

So when the same voice spoke as before, she peeked an eye open and then asked, "What is it?"

"Left my damn keys.. Ya seen 'em?"

"No."

"Can ya help me look?"

Kat studied him a moment then muttered under her breath, stood and set about helping the blond male find them. As they looked around the studio, he said casually, "I think I do know ya."

"As I said before, sir, it's highly unlikely. Don't think I could forget someone with eyes like yours." Kat murmured as she looked at him then said "Sorry, it's just.. You remind me so much of someone too, but..Highly unlikely I'll ever see that guy again, and if I did, it probably wouldn't go well."

For some reason, Dean felt two completely opposite feelings about her saying this.. For one thing, he got the sneaking suspicion that he just might actually know her, and two, he felt jealousy, because if he didn't that meant some other guy had and she'd somehow wound up hurt or angry at said guy.

"Where ya from?"

Used to the lies she'd been living for so long, her carefully constructed new and pain free life, she responded casually, "Grew up around here... What about you?"

"Ohio." Dean said as he felt himself a little disappointed. He'd been thinking of Kat a lot lately, toyed with finding her even, just to satisfy his own warped sense of self righteousness.. He'd have been willing to bet he'd find her right back in Ohio or wherever it was she'd moved to, and probably doing much the same thing she'd been doing in the first place that'd sickened him and made him steer clear back in high school when he'd found out.

What really pissed him off about that was that he put her on this impossibly high pedestal until that night, and when she'd fallen down, he had nothing left to even halfway believe in. Granted, he barely knew her, but hey.. Until their run in in the alley that night, he'd really wanted to know her.

Then he found out she was the same thing as a mother he despised.

"Found your keys." Kat said as she placed them into his hand. His eye caught on a tattoo on her inner wrist and for a moment he kept her hand in his, gripping. The tattoo looked like it'd been placed there to cover something.. Or maybe he was just over imagining things.

Seth and Roman accused him of that a lot.

"Yeah. Thanks. See ya around." he muttered to himself as he walked out of the studio/office and into the parking lot, found his friends waiting with amused expressions.

"Well?"

"What the hell got into you in there?"

"Was it her?"

"Nah. I don't know why in the hell I even bothered." Dean muttered as he looked back at the building one more time. He was pretty convinced by now it wasn't Kat..

So why the lingering doubt? The disappointment.

"Why's it so important you find this Katerin chick anyway?"

"Because, fuck you that's why." Dean muttered as Roman elbowed Seth and hissed, "Can you just not? He's already in a pissy enough mood. Let's not make it worse, we need him with his head in the game for tonight."

Seth looked at Dean, concerned. So much about their friend made little to no sense. He knew everything about the two of them but Roman and Seth still really didn't know anything about him.

He said once that he didn't really like discussing his past. They'd taken the hint then and dropped it. So it'd surprised Seth when Dean just out of the blue, on a flight to Orlando for downtime, started to talk about some girl he knew from high school.

Apparently, he'd been thinking about her a lot and wanted to find her. With Dean though, this could be a good thing or a very, very bad one.

The car ride back to their hotel, Dean sat silently, staring out the window.. If he had some of his shit from high school, he'd know for sure if that photographer had been lying just now. Her tone of voice hadn't indicated that she had been, but..

Something about her answer didn't sit well with him.

This, naturally, made him curious.

Throughout the day, Kat felt something about the guy from this morning nagging at her. And when she got home that night, she dug around until she found her old yearbook.. Flipping through the pages, she rolled her eyes at her childishness back then when she found his name and then his picture, saw the cliche hi lighter hearts around it.

"Really?" she muttered to herself as she looked his name up in the back to see what his 'goals' were..

"Become a professional wrestler and get the hell out of Ohio." she muttered.. She shut the book firmly and eyed her laptop.. If she really wanted to know if Dean Ambrose and Jon Good were one and the same, all she had to do was ask Google...

But her past was just that.. Her past.

So what if she'd never really gotten over the guy? He probably had a life now, a family. And every time she tried to convince herself googling him was harmless...

She'd remember the disgusted look on his face the night he found out her secret and get angry with herself for even being a little curious about the guy who'd written her off and proceeded to avoid her, when of course he wasn't muttering sexually disgusting comments about her and other guys or something like that if he passed her in the hallway.

Why the hell did she even still wonder about him?

They both fell asleep that night, neither one realizing that they'd inadvertantely managed to find the person they'd been hoping to run into again.

But Fate's funny like that, because it wasn't anywhere remotely close to throwing the pair together just yet.. The only question left was would either one of them figure out the truth before they lost contact with each other again?


	4. finding the letter & another random meet

_Current day, 2013, 2 days later  
_

Katerin found herself glaring at her computer screen as she sipped a bottle of vodka and laughed aloud to herself, her laughter echoing off of the walls of her 4 room studio apartment. "Get a load of this guy, would ya?" she muttered as she took a healthy sip from the bottle, leaned back in the overstuffed black velvet couch that nearly swallowed her completely.

"If he's not Jon, he's damn sure amusing." Kat admitted and added quietly, "Sexy as hell too." as she strained to hear her cell phone, she thought she'd heard it ringing. She picked it up, raising a brow. The man who'd hired her to do the magazine's photography, the one with the multimillion dollar professional wrestling company was calling her back.

"Yes?"

"Is this a good time, Ms. Donald?"

"Good as any, Mr. McMahon, why?"

"We're not having any luck finding a replacement photographer. And I was quite impressed with the photos you sent over earlier in the week. Would you consider doing a few more projects for my company's magazine, a few other associated magazines we work with?"

"Depends.. I prefer to freelance." Katerin said as she stood, stretching, digging her toes into a furry throw rug as she walked barefoot across a pale hardwood floor and into her kitchen, peering into her refridgerator.

"The money will be as good as the last job." Vince promised as they hung up the call.

Katerin stared at the phone a moment, then her eyes caught on her sketchpad and she wrinkled her nose, ripping the half done drawing out, holding it up.

"I should be able to forget your ass, Jon Good." she muttered as she tossed the picture at the garbage can lazily turning on her heel and flipping the light switch in her kitchen.

Meanwhile, in his hotel room, Dean Ambrose was sprawled across a gigantic bed, looking through an old yearbook he'd had to bite back on his pride and call his mother to get sent to him. It'd come that day.

He stood, intending on sitting the thing on the nightstand, and a few folded sheets of paper slid out from the middle of it.

Bending, he picked them up, sitting down the beer in his hand, sitting back down, opening the yellowed notebook paper, his hand in his hair as he read the letter.

_Jon,_

_Look, I'm probably the last person you wanna have sign your yearbook, given what you think you know about me. But if I don't tell you this before I leave for Tuscaloosa over the summer, I'll probably never tell you.._

_Ever met that one person you couldn't get out of your head? No matter what you tried, or how much you convinced yourself they were bad for you? Well, for me, you were that guy.. And when you finally talked to me in the alley that night, that was the last thing I wanted to happen. Words cannot express the pains I went to so that nobody (mainly you) never saw me out there like that._

_But you did, so it doesn't matter. And when you looked at me like that, all disgusted, I'll be honest. I actually wanted to die. Hell, I'd been wanting to die for a while beforehand, and if you're wondering, no.._

_I didn't do that by choice. And I did what I had to to keep from actually 'doing' anything. Call me old fashioned, but I just wasn't going to let some guy have the one thing I did have to give someone, whoever it may be, one day. It's pretty messed up how I wound up being a pro in the first place. My ma, she's hooked on drugs and alcohol, you name it, she's done it.. She came up short for the rent, had no drug money, and yeah.. Basically, she sold me to some jackass she worked for for about a kilo and the next months rent. Told me if I didn't do it, she'd let the guy beat the shit out of me._

_I'm ashamed to admit, I was scared he'd kill me, I've seen him beating one of the other 'girls' before, it wasn't pretty._

_I burnt my wrist because that's what happens in my house when you make too much god damn noise when your mom's trying to sleep off a 3 day drug and alcohol binge. I don't see how she's not dead yet.. And this next thing.. Call me twisted and sick, but since she's 'sold' me, I've considered killing her myself._

_So we're really not that different, now are we, Good? I'm not stupid, I know what everyone else says about you, hell, I live 3 apartments down from you so I actually hear what goes on in your apartment._

_And it doesn't change a damn thing, because I've tried and I can't make myself not love you. You're this amazingly strong guy, you'll be an even stronger man one day.. Not many could live with what you do and not want to slit their own wrists._

_As for me? I'm not worth it. Don't bother looking for me if you even read or find this. I'm getting out of this hell one way or another. I won't see you again, but I'm betting that unfortunately for me, I won't forget you, either._

_By the way, I'm not some creepy girl or anything.. But I watched you fighting in that gym across from school. Don't see why you love it so much, but hey, you're good. Go for it if it makes you happy._

_I also wanted to thank you.. You might not remember this, but one day, out by the bleachers, that 'football player' you mentioned was trying to push things too far. If you hadn't picked that fight with him so I could get away, I have no idea what he'd have done to me._

_Point being, everything you think about yourself is a lie. There is a good guy hidden beneath all the surliness and the anger, the icy cold exterior._

_Just wish I hadn't fucked up my chance to know him. _

_P.S.. The sketch I did of you belongs with you. I did it one day while you were sitting in the auditorium, I think the teacher was sick or something, and I had study hall. Also put my St. Jude's medallion in here. Don't know why, but seeing as I'm going to do my best to completely and totally forget this part of my life, just thought maybe you'd have something watching over you in the future._

_If you don't burn all this shit in the old guy's garbage can fire tonight._

_At least now, I can't say I never said everything I wanted to tell you when I look back later in life. I don't like things unfinished, and now, maybe this will be, and I can go somewhere, be a normal god damn 17 year old and not have all the shit I had to see and figure out how to avoid doing, hearing, coming back to haunt me._

_stay strong, big guy._

_Katerin_

As he put the last page of the letter down, he looked at the sketch he'd handed back to her, the old necklace with the broken chain that fell out of the sketch. Then he shotgunned the remainder of the beer that sat almost untouched on the nightstand beside him and picked up his phone, going to google.

What the hell had she even seen in him back then? They'd rarely spoken until that night he finally approached her in the alley, wondering why she was down there with all the crackheads and the 'working girls' and then after, he'd made it his personal mission to make her life hell until he didn't see her anymore.

He'd heard she moved or something, he remembered vaguely missing her, even when he reminded himself he shouldn't, because she was everything he despised in a woman thanks to his own mother.. Or if she weren't, she'd end up that way.

Parts of him wondered now, if he'd been completely wrong then, and what she was doing now. But searching google for Katerin Donovan proved fruitless yet again.

"When ya said ya were gonna erase that part of ya life, ya meant it, didn't ya?" he grumbled as he threw the cell phone against a wall in anger.

Roman looked up from the movie he'd been watching and then asked, "You okay?"

"Yeah." Dean growled as he grabbed his jacket, slid it on, announcing to his stablemates, "Gonna go out and smoke."

Once he was out of the room, Seth walked over to the papers, picked up the letter and read it. When he finished, he and Roman looked at one another then Roman muttered quietly, "So that's what's up his ass."

"And apparently, this person is non existant now. Because I just tried to google her too, nothing interesting came up. No twitter, no facebook page, nothing."

"Give me the yearbook, Seth."

Seth shoved the yearbook at his friend and then said "Here. What are you thinking?"

"That he's run into her again, the idiot just doesn't realize it, or refuses to see it. There was something about the way that cute photographer chick kept looking at Ambrose earlier this week.." Roman muttered as he scanned the yearbook, finding Katerin Donovan.

"What do you think, Rollins? That her?"

Seth took the yearbook and looked as he thought back to the photographer and rubbed his chin, pacing. When he really thought about it, it did look a lot like her..

But then again, it didn't...

"It could be, I mean.. She's about the right age to be this Kat chick.. But the hair, Roman.. The body types aren't really the same either."

"Seth.. It's called being a late bloomer. Maybe the girl was?"

"Or maybe she just hid her body behind baggy pants and fitted shirts like the other day? That suit?" Seth muttered as they looked at one another, burst into hysterical laughter.

"I vote we let Ambrose stew in it a while."

"Oddly enough, even though I know I should be completely against that, Seth, I'm all for it." Roman said as they sat back down, got caught up in the movie they'd been watching again.

Meanwhile, Dean paced the sidewalk outside in front of the hotel, muttering to himself. He had the habit of doing this when he was thinking or angry, tonight wasn't any different. He lit another cigarette and was turning to walk back towards the hotel when he collided with her..

The photographer from earlier in the week, on a phone and all but swearing at someone on the other end as she tried to balance camera equipment, an oversized bag that held her art supplies and a rolling suitcase which wasn't even completely zipped and burst wide open, her clothing falling out.

He smirked to himself, looked down at her, calmly held out a red bra as he said "Thinkin that belongs to ya."

"No, really?" Kat asked, smirking a little to herself as she said "Haven't lost your keys again, right?"

"Not lately. Haven't really had a good reason to though." Dean muttered as he leaned in, studying her face intently.. Something about her voice, her eyes..

"Earth to Ambrose." Kat muttered, snapping her fingers in front of his face as she asked in amusement, "Have one too many or something, big guy?"

His ears perked at hearing those words, but he put it off to coincidence and by the time he had a witty remark ready, she was stepping onto the elevator again.

"What the hell is she doing here?" he wondered aloud as he caught the next elevator, walked into the hotel room he shared with his stable mates, flopped onto his bed.

"You cool now?"

"Yeah."

Both men were tempted to tell him what they suspected to have happened, but both men had already decided to wait it out just a little longer for their own twisted amusement, see if he figured it out on his own.

"So I bumped into that photographer downstairs." Dean muttered as the guys looked at one another then at him as they asked, "Well?"

"I keep thinkin I know her from somewhere."

His friends wanted to burst into laughter, explain why he felt that way, but they didn't. He was close to figuring it out. But would he in time?


	5. a run in with the ex and a confrontation

_Current day, 2013, a week later  
_

_{Unexpected plot twist here, guys. And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this. Apparently, our girl has history with another member of the roster/company and it's not good..}_

'It's too late to look back, I've got no way to switch back', Katerin hummed under her breath as she beat the living hell out a punching bag down in the hotel's gym. For some reason, her mind wasn't allowing her to just shove everything from her entire past down like she normally could.

She blamed Dean Ambrose for this. Whatever it was about the guy that reminded her of Jon. Her addiction and her one weakness. _'oh we both know you have so many more weaknesses, Kate, now don't we?Face it, you're a pathetic little whore's daughter.. And what's worse is you're **frigid** because you're so damn scared you'll be just like her you can't even say the word dick without blushing, let alone think about **fucking** someone. It's sickening, really..' _ her mind reminded her as she bit her lower lip, sent a roundhouse kick to the bag with such force that it came back, knocked her flat on her own ass.

From the doorway, she heard a male's voice as he laughed. She rolled her eyes in slight disdain before springing up from the floor, standing.

Her ex, and the reason she'd been given this damn job stood there, gawking at her.

Brad Maddox stepped into the room, flopped down on the padded yoga mats nearby as he sipped a water bottle.

"Of all the people here, it had to be you standing in the doorway, didn't it? Do you ever NOT do that shit to me? Do you get joy out of showing up and riding my nerves?"

He merely shrugged and she threw a water bottle at his head. Then he said calmly, with a smirk, "I finally have you right where I want you, Kate. After all this time, we're right back to square one, babe."

"The hell you do, Brad. Go play in traffic. I believe when you tried to trick and force me into fucking you and I told you exactly why I was **not** going to be sleeping with **you** or **anyone ever** and you STILL tried it, that pretty much ended us." Katerin said as she glared hatefully up at the taller male who stood in front of him, not backing down, not showing fear.

If there was one thing she had learned in the time of her life she chose to forget, it was this simple rule of thumb.. Show a man fear? He'll play on that fear and use it against you. The way she grew up, which sadly did not change when she left to go to her aunt, taught her that one thing.

Love was fear, fear was love. They were and always would be one in the same. To her at least. She'd thought that maybe what she felt for Jon was love, but as she got older, she realized that it was probably just wanting and hero worship, considering he'd managed to intervene on one of the worst days of her life while they were at school and stop it, unknowingly.

Then it all died for her (or she tried desperately to believe it had) when he looked at her that night with the disgust and distaste so plainly written in his eyes as he did so. And the things he taunted her with after that night?

He hated her.

She was shaken from her thoughts as she felt his hand close around her wrist, turning her around to face him, not caring if he hurt her or not. She smirked as she stomped down on his foot and then said through gritted teeth, "If you're smart? You'll fuck off now. We both know I can and I will put you on your ass."

"You got lucky last time, Kate."

The throat clearing from the doorway, and the growl accompanying the throat being cleared had the two of them looking up from their intense and heated, hateful staredown as Dean Ambrose stepped into the room, smirking in amusement as he said "Oh don't let me stop ya." flopping down nearby, watching with crossed arms, an amused smirk on his face, chewing a piece of gum.

Katerin rolled her eyes and swinging her left fist, connected with Brad's face as she glared at him one more time, gave a curt nod to Dean Ambrose and practically ran from the room like her head was on fire or something.

This, of course, left Dean and Brad alone in the room together, and Dean calmly stood, made his way over, grabbed Brad by the collar as he said calmly, coldly, "Maddox, if ya smart.. Ya leave that girl the fuck alone."

Brad smirked as he muttered, "The only reason shes' even here is me. I showed McMahon her pictures. I insisted he hire her. She owes me everything. And I'm going to get exactly what I want from her, finally."

Dean rolled his eyes and wasted no time swinging, his fist connecting with Brad's nose, a satisfying crack as it did so. He dropped him on the floor and walked out, wondering what exactly he'd walked in on... And what Brad meant when he said what he did about Kate, the new photographer for the magazine, 'owing him'.

"We shoulda killed that wormy little shit." Dean growled as he walked down the hallway, turning a corner, colliding with Kate who looked like she'd jump clear out of her skin right now.

He inwardly kicked himself because the very reason he'd even went down to the hotel gym was to blow off the steam he felt at his whole bizarre obsession with Kat, the past and now this chick, apparently.. It had to be because she reminded him of Kat.

That had to be all.

"What?" he snapped as Katerin glared up at him and asked calmly, "Any reason you're snapping at me? Hell, trust me.. I had that. I've fought off bigger and scarier. Didn't ask you to run in and rescue me." before standing, moving to shove past him, on edge because he'd been the biggest reason she was even in the gym beating the hell out of a punching bag in the first place.

Him and his bizarre triggering of a past best left forgotten.

If he didn't make her think of Jon every damn time she saw him...

Dean watched her calmly as his hand shot out and he gripped her wrist, turning it so that he could see the inner part.

"Let me the fuck go." Katerin growled as she fought to try and get free from his grip.

"What? I was just lookin at ya tattoo.." he said as he looked up at her, smirked and said "Kate."

Something about the way he said her name made her bite her lip. And the look in his eyes was this eerie calm and slightly bitter one.

"Why do you keep doing that? It's really starting to creep me the hell out." Katerin muttered as she noticed a scar she hadn't earlier..

She bit her lip and suddenly, it seemed like all background noise came to a complete stop as she tried to process what she was seeing..

They both had the same damn scar above their eye. In the same spot. It was Jon, Jon was Dean.. That had to be why he kept 'triggering' things in her, why she was drawn to him and it accounted for some really weird behavior on his end, also.

She groaned inwardly as she thought back over the past few days.. The way he was always sort of watching her, almost like he knew her?

"Maybe because I'm pretty damn sure I know ya." Dean replied simply as he shoved her wrist away, letting go. _'she fuckin lied to ya.. did ya really expect anything less from her?'_

**_'yeah, well that letter said..'_**

_'they all lie, Jon. if they're not breathin, that's the only time they're not lyin. see now? This is exactly why women cannot be trusted.'_ the mental debate waged on in his mind as he said with a smirk, "What? No answer?"

Katerin looked at him, biting her lower lip. Seeing him this angry, over something so small sort of reminded her of why the way she felt about him scared the living hell out of her so what she did next probably wasn't going to be her smartest move in the long run.

"What exactly are you implying? Because I've told you already, I'm not the girl you think I am, Dean. The fact that you don't believe me is highly amusing, actually." even as her mind was insisting, _'are you begging for it? baiting him like this? you know what happened to him and all he's been through, and you know you want and love the guy... Just tell the guy, Kat.' _and still other parts of her mind were reminding her, **_'yeah? well do you really want to see that disgusted look in his eyes again? see him go from being interested slightly to thinking you're just a filthy little piece of trash again? it almost killed you the first time. and this whole addiction to the guy? not healthy in the slightest._**_ '_

She went to walk away and he grabbed her, pinned her between himself and the wall as he said calmly, "Liar."

"You're clearly insane." Katerin muttered, her legs turning to jello as she leaned in and added in a lower voice, with a bitter smirk, " Now let me the fuck go."

"Nope. Not gonna happen."

Something in her eyes made him change his mind, and become curious as to why she had such a violent reaction to even just being touched gradually. He stepped back and then asked with a cruel smirk, "So.. What's Kate stand for?"

"Katherine." she lied as she stood a few safe feet away, flinching back which of course only made him move closer as he shook his head no, smirked.

"See, I think it stands for somethin else.. hell, if ya want me to be honest? I think ya name's Katerin."

She bit her lip and stepped back, her heart hammering against her chest about to burst out at any second as she said with a bitter laugh, "Sorry to disappoint. But that girl you're so hell bent on believing I am? Doesn't exist."

"Whatever helps ya sleep at night, babe." Dean said calmly as he turned and walked away, fuming about their whole showdown just now, fuming because he'd wasted all this damn effort on her when she was clearly exactly what he 'thought' she'd be when he found her again, and that even knowing this, he had this feeling he'd still be addicted to the damn girl.

Down the hall, Katerin ducked in the bathroom and braced herself against the counter, catching her breath. She knew what she'd just done was the exact opposite of what she'd wanted, what she should have done, but he'd put her on the spot, acting like that, and he'd scared her, so she'd done what was in her defensive nature to do.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it. This is never going to just get straightened out again..." she groaned as she punched at a wall and sighed, straightening her ponytail and splashing water on her face.

Dean stormed into his hotel room swearing as his two best friends looked up at him and asked, "Something wrong?"

"So I confronted her about bein Katerin, lyin to me.. The bitch lied again."

"Were you maybe being a little creepy?" Seth blurted earning him a cold glare from Dean as Dean growled, "That letter didn't mean shit. All this damn energy I wasted on thinkin about her, wondering what she was doing now.. And she's no different than she was then, man, because I fuckin walked in on her and Maddox in the gym. Second fuckin time she's made a fool of me. Not gonna go for a third."

"Whoa.. Maddox? Okay, now I know there's gotta be more to this than what you're saying, Dean." Roman said calmly as he snickered and then added, "But as usual, you're going to be a stubborn ass about it and make it your mission in life to make her life hell and ruin any shot you have. Let me know how that works for you."

Dean glared and growled then said through gritted teeth, "Not this fuckin time. I'm gonna settle it."

"Like a mature and reasonable adult?"

Seth snickered at this as Roman asked it then ducked quickly at the object Dean launched in his direction. "Is he now?"

"No, but if he doesn't want to drive the girl away, and Maddox is harassing her, then he needs to. Personally, I'm sick of hearing him bitch about it." Roman said calmly as he looked at Dean who glared at him and then said "One way or another, I'm gonna prove that Kat's still in there."

"Oh boy, this should be really, really interesting." Seth muttered as he added, "Two crazies.. Just hope the world can handle this."

"I'm gonna kick ya ass, Rollins."

"You're not kicking anyone's ass, Ambrose. Why's this so damn important anyway?"

"Because, I need to know if I fucked up back then." Dean grumbled as he rubbed his forehead and dug around for Tylenol, chewing a few of them, chasing it with bottled water.

Deep down he knew that another reason he wanted to bring Kat back (or remind her of who she really was, rather) is because back then, he'd actually loved her, despite everything he'd learned about her. And when he read that letter she'd written him back then, recently, like it or not, she'd unknowingly triggered feelings he'd long learned to ignore. And he fully intended to awaken whatever spark she felt then that made her write the damn thing to him in the first place. Plus, it was plain to see that she was alive, yes, but she wasn't really living.

"I'm going for a walk." he grumbled as he stood and grabbed his hoodie, walked out of the room.

His mind was going in a million different directions. Clearly, he'd proven it was her.. Now how to get her to admit it and remind her the words she'd written in that letter, promised to him?

First of all, he was going to grind Maddox into the dirt.


	6. admitting it without admitting it

_Current day, 2013, that night  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

She got her camera into position on the hotel room's balcony. Looking through the lense, she focused on the moon, how bright it was tonight. Stopping, she took a long and healthy sip from a bottle of beer sitting next to her. She wanted to toy around with some new photography techniques, it wasn't what she really wanted to do, of course, but doing this kept her from doing what she really wanted to do.

Because when he said her name earlier today, that flash of disgust rose in his intense blue eyes again. And she hated knowing she'd lied to him and both of them knew it. But this is the way it had to be, because Katerin Donovan?

She didn't exist anymore, she couldn't, Katherin Donald wasn't going to allow it. If she went back to what she'd only barely lived through, made herself feel all the pain and the fear, the bitterness and anger all over again..

Bob Seger drifted through the open door of the balcony and she hummed along as she snapped photo after photo of the moon from various angles. When she ran out of film, she slid onto the edge of the railing, and just sat, looking up at the stars. Seeing a shooting star, she quickly closed her eyes, made a silent wish... _'help me find a way to fix this mess I'm in right now.. or get over him, damn it. because the girl who wrote that letter? she can't ever come out again. it has to be this way. my life is good right now, i have a damn good job, i don't have the nightmares anymore, and.. I just.. Whatever I feel for him scares the hell out of me.'_

She opened her eyes right as the door on the next balcony slid open and she heard someone on the next balcony swearing, yelling back inside for a lighter. She bit her lip when she heard his annoyingly sexy way of mispronouncing certain words and before she could stop herself she called out, "Drop this lighter, Ambrose, and die." as she threw over her Zippo.

Dean's ears perked when he heard her humming from the next balcony, then heard her offering her lighter. The lighter landed with a resounding thud at his feet and he bent, picking it up, noticed it had the North Star engraved on it.

He raised a brow, but struck up the flame, lit his cigarette, threw the lighter back, stood and watched as she pulled out a pack and lit her own, took a sip of beer all while sitting on the damn railing of the building. "Get ya ass off there."

"I'm not going to fall."

"Yes hell you will, woman, damn it." Dean growled as he went silent, pissed at himself for caring even now. Again he heard the mental battle cuing up in his mind and again he wished he could figure her out. For once, he wasn't the only one going hot and cold.. She was doing her fair share of that too, or she had been since she'd taken the temp job of photographer and come on the road with the roster so she'd be there when they needed press photos.

Black Sabbath drifted from the open doorway of her balcony, and he chuckled to himself a little bit as he called out, "Why don't ya just make it easier on yourself, admit it. I'm right, Katerin. Ya not this Katherin person."

"I am, Dean. Just like you're not the guy I mistook you for." Kat said as she lightly headbanged and drummed out the fast paced riff of the guitar in the song on the railing of the hotel balcony. Of course, she knew this wasn't true, but yet, metaphorically, it was.. Because it'd taken all of Jon's pain and everything he went through, essentially to make Dean Ambrose..

"I ain't the one who changed." Dean muttered to himself solemnly, then he asked with a bitter smirk, " Ya know I'm right. Ya lyin about being this Kate chick or whoever, and it burns ya ass that ya know I'm right. What's got ya so damn scared?"

She didn't give an answer, she was apparently ignoring his attempt at normal and civil conversation. He felt himself getting angry at this, and growled a little.

But mentally, the caramel blonde was having her own intense mental war at the moment.. She had one side of her mind insisting, **'he knows. drop the act and at least confirm it.' **while still another insisted, _'if you admit it, Kat.. and then you confront him about being Jon, which you know he is by now.. then that puts you right back where you don_'t _want to be.. Because the second he knows it's really you? It's gonna be that same look of disgust that he gave you every time he saw you after that night.. Why the hell's this even matter so much to him, honestly? The man's normally ice cold, you've watched all his damn promos by now, even the earlier shit where he recounts in graphic detail every single wrong ever done to him, every single thing that ever made you lie awake in your bed 3 doors down, listening and wincing, even crying a little as it happened to him?' _ to which the first argument would pipe back in with **'because scary or not, Kat.. that is love. and you know that he won't feel a damn thing for you, when you tell him that it's you, but contempt. remember how he treated you after that night in the alley at school? do you really think he wants to make nice now? this is a game to him. Just confirm you are her and get it over with. you need closure. maybe he does too, that's why he keeps pushing this.' **and she leaned against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut.

She honestly could not answer his question as to what had her so scared because it was something that'd happened, and she tried her very best to not ever even think about, let alone talk about it. Nobody knew this about her, not even people she'd worked with for years or the few friends she did allow herself.

It was too damn sick, even attempting to bring it all back right now, had her cringing, feeling sick and disgusted all over again.

Kat looked over at him and hopping down from the balcony, she said calmly, "Suppose I am her, Dean.. Why in the hell does it really matter? I mean if it were so damn great, then why is she not with you right now? She must have really fucked up." in a slightly bitter and cold tone of voice.

"Or I did. Not sure yet, honestly." Dean said calmly, smirking at her, eyeing her intently as he threw the lighter back over to her balcony and then said casually, " Ever think ya know someone and ya find out completely different?"

Kat bit her lower lip, tempted to just say it was her, just to shut him up and see the disgust, get it over with. She wouldn't blame him, hell.. And he'd probably never even read the letter.

Dean felt his neck and swore when he realized the damn medallion thing that'd fallen out of the letter had fallen off the ball chain necklace he'd bought to put the damn thing on.

"You alright there, big guy?" Kat asked as Dean grumbled, then swearing asked, "Do ya have a cell phone on ya?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Shine it over here.. Lost something."

Kat stood and aimed the cell phone's light over to his balcony as he swore in victory, came up with what looked like a silver charm of some sort. That looked vaguely familiar. If he had it, then he'd found the letter..

_'just because he has the damn medallion, Kat, doesn't mean a damn thing. he's probably just kept it to remind himself, knowing how twisted he thinks, that all women lie and they're trash. just like he thought when he discovered what you were really being forced to attempt to do that night in the alley.'_

"All that.. For some kind of charm." Kat muttered in dull shock as Dean shrugged then said "Hey.. Damn thing's actually lucky."

"Sure it is, Ambrose." Kat said as she managed a smirk, trying to keep things neutral. She wanted to end this, tell him it was her, but if she did.. What would she be getting into? And why would she even want to go back to that part of her life? Because honestly, he'd been the only good thing in it, her seeing him fight when she'd hide out behind the gym and watch, or seeing him around school.

Was the connection really worth dredging up all the pain that came with it?

Dean smirked as he watched her eyes. The way her eyes looked, the unmistakable and unhideable shock, well, that was all he really needed to confirm it. She was Katerin.

Now he had to figure out just why she seemed so hell bent on hiding it and insisting she was not 'that girl'. Something happened to make an already skittish and jumpy girl even more afraid, twice as wary and jumpy, and he found himself getting strangely pissed, strangely wanting to find out what happened to her.

Because he knew why he was the way he was, because where they grew up, you had to be tough. You'd see and hear, maybe even do shit you normally wouldn't want to, just to survive.

And when she left, he assumed that maybe she'd gotten out of it.

So what happened between the last time he saw her, and the time she'd written him the letter that he only just found, and now?

"Like ya never had somethin you were attached to." he grumbled angrily as Kat spoke up and said quietly, "Yeah.. This jacket.. Some guy I went to school with.. Used to work out in a gym near my school.. Left his hoodie once.. I can sadly say, I have no life because I still have and wear the damn thing." as she smiled to herself a little and looked at him, before standing and stretching, casually.

Dean stared at her a moment, went back in his mind to what the letter said. He knew she'd watched him fight now, and he had lost a sweater or four back then.. He was constantly leaving the damn things, he never really felt the cold, when he did, he didn't really mind it all that much.

He smirked as he realized what she'd just done. She'd thrown him off, as he'd been trying to do to her, to make her admit it was her. And she'd also sort of owned up to it.

Kat sighed quietly and then taking another long pull from the cigarette, chasing it with the bitter and lukewarm beer, said quietly, "I should call it a night.. You should too, because you guys have a photo op, bright and early." before turning to walk inside.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

" The guy.. What was his name?"

"Why's it matter?"

Dean smirked to himself at her answer and then said calmly, "Because it does."

Kat rolled her eyes in the dark and then said quietly, "Going inside now." as she stepped into her hotel room, sank down onto the bed, mentally exhausted. All this work just so she didn't have to feel pain or disgust with herself for what'd happened after she left Ohio.

"Fuck it. I'm gonna tell him and get it over with." she grumbled as she turned on the bed, rolling onto her stomach, her head beneath her pillow.

In the room beside her room, Dean smirked to himself in the dark as he went back over all the little ways she'd told off on her self without ever saying it was really her. Now he just had to finish making her crack..

He hated being lied to, and he wasn't going to stop until she admitted it. And until he figured out why bother lying in the first place. Because something happened to make her bury that part of herself so deeply down inside that she had to make up a new name, change her hair color, hell, make up a completely different background for herself, judging by what he'd dug up on Katherin Donald.

And to be frank, lying there knowing she went to all that trouble, he wasn't sure if he was more mad at her for lying to him, or at whoever had done something to make her even go to all the trouble she'd went to to build this whole new identity.

"Damn it all.. Can't fucking sleep now." he muttered angrily as he punched his pillow. Lights snapped on in the room and Seth said calmly, "Let me guess. Still not admitting it."

"Shut it, Rollins."

"You were right, Seth." Roman said as he added, "Do you even have an idea why?"

"Not sure, but seeing as how she and Maddox were so damn 'cozy' earlier, maybe if I scare the crap out of him, I'll find something out.."

"Or you could just get her somewhere she can't get away from, get her to admit it, while acting like a rational adult and then ask her?" Roman suggested as he looked at his friend, brow raised.

"My way's quicker." Dean grumbled as he turned off the light, fell back into bed.

Tomorrow, he'd go pay Maddox a little visit. The little shit scared easily enough that with the right amount of 'finesse' or lack there of, he'd crack and spill anything Dean wanted to.

Or he'd swallow his teeth. Either way was fine with Dean because he was still a little more than pissed, and a little more than in a jealous rage from what he'd walked in on and inadvertantly stopped from happening, earlier.


	7. when Ambrose interrogates you be afraid

_Current day, 2013, the next day  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

The door shut behind Brad Maddox with a heavy and resounding thud. Dean walked in calmly, shoved him from behind as he sneered at him and said quietly, "So ya the big dog now."

"And?" Brad asked, his fear growing a little. Last time he'd been in a room with anyone from the Shield.. It hadn't went well for him. But he had to wonder why Seth and Roman weren't with Dean for this little excursion.

The fact that Dean was the psychotic one of the three, clearly, and for some reason he was paying Brad a personal visit, well.. Brad was panicking currently.

"And, that means ya got a lot on ya mind... But that's not even close to why I'm here. I could give two shits less about ya little GM job, know ya got it because ya good at kissing ass. Now that.. That has something to do with why I'm here.. That photographer, Kate."

"Is my ex girlfriend. You wouldn't want her, Ambrose, she doesn't put out.. Try and get her in bed and you wind up in the damn ER overnight." Brad admitted, mostly because of the fear he felt towards Dean who stood right now, towering over him, holding him by the collar of his sweater vest.

Dean blinked at what Brad admitted.

He'd assumed..

_'so she didn't fuck 'im. Doesn't mean she didn't fuck a ton of other guys, man. she worked a fuckin corner in high school, for Christ sake.'_

**_'that letter said, Jon.. Remember? she avoided all offers, man.'_**

_'doesn't mean shit, you fucking moron. get it together, Jon.. get what ya came to find out then get the hell outta here. He's the GM right now, ya already on thin enough ice because ya attacked Wade backstage when he flirted with her during a photo op.'  
_

**_'she promised. one way or another, she's not gonna break those promises. if I have to break every fuckin guy on this roster's neck, she will be mine. i will fix this. wade had it comin, and so will anyone else that even looks at her a way I don't like.'_**

_'she's is or was a whore, Jon for the love of Christ.. Remember how sick it used to make ya when ya ma 'bought work home'? Remember all the lies and the abuse, all the shit she shouted at you when she was high or drunk or.. that letter might have given a convenient excuse, but that doesn't mean a thing. do ya really think she's worth the waste in time when she does what they all do sooner or later, leaves ya?'  
_

"So do you want something, or?" Brad asked as he looked at the other man, a grim look on his face, angry that he'd blurted out that little fact just now.. But it did amuse him a little, just how confused Dean looked by it. "What's the big deal with her.. Kate, I mean?"

"Her fuckin name is Kat." Dean growled as he shoved Brad, punched him.

Brad swung back and then laughed as he asked, "Who told you her name is Kat? Her name is Kate Donald.. And if she wouldn't be with me? What the hell makes you think she's going to go slum it up with you?"

Dean growled and pinned Brad against the table, leaning over him as he snarled and said "Everything ya know about her, now. Or I'll make ya swallow all of those too perfect teeth. Pathetic little shit."

Brad began to laugh hysterically as he shoved Dean off of him, fought loose and then started towards the door. Finally, he just might be able to get rid of Ambrose. He'd always sort of hated the damn guy, now that he was GM..

Dean grabbed the back of his vest and then sneered in his ear, "Not so fast, Maddox, where ya goin? This was just starting to get fun, buddy." as he shoved him at a chair, then grabbed the rolling chair in front of him, flopped into it, sitting with the chairs back against his chest as he calmly lit a cigarette.

He blew the smoke into Brad's face and then said "Well? Start talkin.. Or you won't like what I'm gonna do."

"What do you want to know, exactly?"

"Whatever you do, Maddox. Stop stallin and start talkin."

"Look, Ambrose, we only dated a month or so.. She didn't really ever tell me much about herself.. I do know that she tells everyone she's from New York, but she's actually from some little town in Alabama. Or so she said.. Never understood why she said that when she sounded like she was from Ohio or Michigan or something, with her accent."

Dean raised a brow, grabbed his shirt and said quietly, "Yeah? So ya never met her family or nothin?"

"She said.. She claimed that everyone in her family was dead.. I do know she was in therapy for a really, really long time. I only know because one night, her car broke down at her therapist's office." Brad muttered, the fear really rising now, because Dean was starting to really freak him the hell out.. Why go through all this just to find out something about Kate, their new photographer?

"If you're trying to get her in bed, Ambrose, you won't."

Dean glared at him and practically spat, "And ya better stop tryin to force her. She's mine. She's always been mine, she's gonna continue to be mine. Understood?"

"You do realize if you piss me off now, Dean.. I can suspend you. And I won't hesitate to do so."

"Fuckin do it then. I'll talk to McMahon, we'll see just how damn fast I'm back on the lineup." Dean muttered, a cocky smirk filling his face as he exhaled another pull from the cigarette, directly into Brad's face and asked, "There some damn reason ya know for certain she won't sleep around?"

Brad laughed a little and then said "Personally, no. I do know that the night I tried to force things in that direction, sick of her being a damn tease, that she freaked the fuck out on me, and that's how I wound up in the ER. She has these nightmares, man.. Why in the hell are you asking me this stuff?"

"Because fuck you, that's why. Now answer or you won't like what I'm gonna do." Dean growled as he glared at Brad, smirking cruelly as he did so.

Things were beginning to make sense now, and if what he thought might have happened to her, had actually happened to her, it'd explain several things he'd noticed about her.

"She's got PTSD.. Takes pills for it from time to time.. Has these really bad panic attacks." Brad blurted out, instantly kicking himself for saying that, because Dean was nothing if not sick and twisted. But it almost seemed like Ambrose cared about Kate..

But that was impossible, right?

The guy didn't care about anybody but himself.

Dean let his shirt go, stood and smashed the cigarette out on the table before turning on his heel and walking out the door, lingering only long enough to say, "Oh and Maddox? If ya fucking so much as look at her again? This little talk will happen again.. But you won't be breathing at the end of it." before slamming the office door shut behind him, walking out and down the hallway.

He had a photo shoot to get to now. And then he and Kat were going to have a much needed talk, oh yes they were.


	8. the truth is out now theres no turn back

_Current day, 2013, the next day, later on in the day, the Shield's one on one photo shoots  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

Kat eyed the clock, bit her lower lip, more than a little nervous. She'd decided, and probably stupidly, last night after their whole bizarre confrontation on the balconies of the hotel that if he accused her again, she was going to tell him the truth and get it over with.

That should deter any and all future desires he might have in getting close to her, at least she figured it would. Even as she thought this, the back of her mind kept insisting that it wouldn't, but she refused to believe that currently.

It had to be this way, she was broken, damaged.

You couldn't go through the shit she had as a teenager and not be broken or at least partially fucked up, mentally, in some way shape or form. Hell, if she wanted to be completely honest with herself and everyone else around her? She knew she was.

The cocoon she kept herself in, the fact that she'd went to great lengths to make her past disappear, well. It protected her from having to relive things any more than she had to. Sure, she had the nightmares, the panic attacks and the violent fits when she had flashbacks or something triggered a panic attack, but hey.. She kept her distance so nobody ever really had to suffer.

"Shit." she muttered, groaning as she realized she had Dean, alone in the photography area for at least a solid hour. She could feel the beginnings of a migraine just thinking about how many ways he'd find to try and make her slip up and admit it. That was one of the bigger reasons she was going to just tell him if he asked. Maybe if she did, he'd get disgusted, leave her alone about it, let her suffer in silence.

The door opened and Dean walked in, sporting a black eye and yelling back out into the hallway at what sounded like a very irate Fandango.

"I hate that bastard." he muttered as he looked at her, studied her intently, letting the bitter smirk creep onto his lips again as he shut the door firmly and locked it, started walking towards her.

As soon as he did, he noticed she all but tripped and fell trying to get away, and her eyes widened in fear. But he could tell that her mind wasn't in the room right now, it was somewhere else. He almost hated having to do things this way, but he was sick of her lying about who she was and one way or another, before he left this room, the truth was coming out, even if he had to completely scare the hell out of her to get it.

"Where ya goin, Kat?" he asked calmly, as he snapped his fingers in front of her face impatiently, grabbed her arms with his hands and held her still.

She started hitting at his chest, screaming at him, until he covered her mouth and then asked one simple question.. "Who the fuck is Adam?"

Kat paled and then snapped back into the present tense as she sighed and said "Get out of here. I don't know what the hell you're up to, but look.. Scaring me? Not the way to go about getting whatever it is you want.. And if it's sex? I mean I heard you were basically one of the bigger manwhores on the lineup.. I'm not gonna give it up, ever, so you're wasting your time." stiffly and looked at him.

He blinked at her words, her tone and then grumbled as he shoved her back into a chair and then turned the one in front of it around, straddling it so that the back as against his chest.

"Ya gonna tell me what I want to know first, Kat."

"Dean, don't."

"We are. This talk is gonna happen, whether ya want it or not." he said as he dug into his jeans pocket, threw the folded up letter back at her and then said calmly, "Because ya gonna explain to me how the fuck a girl who writes all that, promises all that, turns around, erases every shred of herself. Just because I'm curious.. Not because I care or anything."

_'oh but you do, Jon. That's where you're about to make ya biggest mistake, too. Once a whore always a whore, man. Ya ma.. Sure she's all straight and shit now.. But if she got hold of some drugs? She'd be right back out there again.'_

**_'you do care, and she needs to know that. if you keep doing shit like this, Jon.. she's gonna run and you won't ever find her.'_**

_'would that really be such a bad thing, though? I mean you shot some girls dog, because you were trying to prove your love for her. and then there's your rages. think about it, Jon.. do you really wanna put her through that?'  
_

"Fine. Yes, I'm Katerin Donovan. There, I said it. Are you happy now? Can you leave me alone now?" she asked as she stood, got ready to walk away from him, set up her camera equipment. He grabbed her arm, turned her around as he pinned her against the wall, keeping himself sort of out of the line of fire, if that whole bizarre freakout from moments ago were anything to go by.

"Why not just say it though?" he asked calmly, a bitter look in his eyes as he looked at her.

"Because, Jon.. And yes, I know it's you.. Because there are things I'd rather not deal with that happened back then. Best way to do that? Start over completely. New name, new me. Too bad that shit didn't work with the nightmares or the panic attacks or any of that shit, right?" as she laughed hollowly.

"So what Maddox told me about ya is true." he muttered as he looked at her, asked the question he had before again.

"Who's Adam?"

"My aunt's live in boyfriend.. What do you want to know all this for? Look, you read the letter, okay? I didn't think I'd ever see you again and I wanted to tell you all those things. It's done."

He fumed, pacing. "Yeah? Well too damn bad I'm only gettin started, Kat."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Call me Kat."

"I'll call ya whatever the hell I wanna, Kat." Dean grumbled as he looked at her, looked down, swearing, then looked at her again and said "Kinda funny though.. You wanna forget the past so damn bad, but ya choose the name Katherin to start over." as he looked at her, hint of bitter amusement in his intense blue eyes.

She bit her lower lip. Did he remember **everything**?

He smirked as he said quietly, "Shocked?"

"I chose the name Katherin for personal reasons. They didn't actually have anything to do with.." she started as he pressed his finger to her lips and said with a smirk, "Just stop with ya lyin. See, I'm not leavin this room until ya convince me ya didn't mean anything ya wrote in that. Just for kicks."

Kat glared at him and then bit her lip because she knew she couldn't prove she didn't mean anything she said. Looking down she muttered quietly, "Fine. Yeah, I meant everything I wrote. Happy now?" before looking up at him, biting her lower lip, lost in thought.

"So if I did this.." he muttered as he pinned her against the wall using his hips, leaning in, slowly, as he watched her eyes, making sure he didn't purposely freak her out or something, because to be honest, he wasn't quite sure she was worth a broken damn nose.. He pulled her into a rough kiss and even though she fought it at first, refusing to kiss him back, she eventually gave in, especially when she realized he wasn't giving in anytime soon and leaving her alone.

The kiss broke and she looked at him, confused. "What the fuck was that for?"

Dean shrugged and then said quietly, "Guessing ya thought if ya admitted it, I'd leave ya alone, huh?"

"Basically, yes." Kat said quietly, holding his gaze, still trying to recover from the forceful passion of the kiss he'd just tricked her into somehow. She didn't get it, because she knew it was coming, yet she didn't feel threatened enough to stop it like she normally would. She could say she got caught off guard all day long but she'd know it was a lie.

"Yeah, well I'm not." he said as he smirked at her, the cocky grin back, his arms crossed as he leaned against a wall nearby, watching the expression on her face as he said this.

Kat bit her lower lip and said quietly, "What do you even want from me? Do you even know that, Jon?"

He shrugged and then smirking said " You'll figure it out sooner or later, Kat." as he leaned in again, trailed his index finger over her lower lip and then said casually, "So.. Let's get this camera bullshit done."

Kat nodded numbly as she tried to figure out just what exactly was going on at the moment. The guy was all over the place, he always had been even back then. For some reason it'd never really scared her like it probably should have, like it scared everyone else. She'd never quite figured out why, either.

"Christ alive.. Do you have to fight every single time you know you have a photo shoot?" she muttered as she looked at the black eye. He shrugged, the cocky grin coming back as he said "Maddox deserved it."

"Are you insane? He's GM now."

"Not insane, but not gonna let him get away with that shit I walked in on in the gym back at the hotel a day or two ago, either. Ya mine."

"Whoa, back up.. I admitted it was me. I might have kissed back but trust me.. You do not want all the crazy and the complications. Besides, it'd never work."

"And why the hell not?" he asked angrily as he stared her down, arms crossed.

"Because.. we both have serious trust issues. I mean in case you didn't notice I damn near bloodied your nose a few minutes ago. And you.."

He glared at her and then said calmly, "Argue all ya want, Kat.. But ya mine." as he held up the old and yellowing letter and waved it as if it were proof.

She swore under her breath. She'd forgotten just how damn stubborn he could be when he really set his mind to something or he wanted something. And for some reason unknown to her, now he apparently wanted her. Something told her she was going to lose this fight ultimately.

_'you'll just screw it up, ms. frigid. he'll get tired of you being antisocial, or the nightmares or the panic attacks and he'll walk away. and it'll kill you, but hey.. if you hadn't left one bad situation and gotten head first into another one, chicken, you might be a halfway normal human being right now.'_

**_'you know how he is, Kat, are you really trying to get yourself killed or hurt here? I mean seriously. You've seen how mad he gets. Why doesn't it scare you? Love must really be blind. And then there's you. What if you black out or something, or the PTSD kicks in and you do something to him? this is gonna fail, you should get away now.'_**

_'embrace that dark side, honey. let it all go, finally. it's gonna be so much easier for you if you finally do. and who knows? maybe letting go will prove you wrong about everything. you have to live sometime, Kat. you tortured yourself all this time wondering if he were okay, if he were being taken care of, if he were taking care of himself. now you're getting a chance? You better take it. You two meeting again like this means something.'  
_

Dean snapped his fingers in front of her face as he said calmly, " no matter what ya try, ya not getting away."

Kat again nodded numbly. Why the hell bother fighting the inevitable? She'd given into the kiss just now. She'd only wind up caving in to this too.

"Lucky for you, Ambrose, I have photoshop. Get your ass over there. Stand like you were in the doorway when you just came in." Kat said finally as she dropped the conversation for now. The sooner she got this session done, the sooner she could grab a smoke, finish the others and then go back to the hotel and try to figure out just how in the hell she was going to proceed with all this.

Because she had this feeling that running to save them both wasn't really an option. He'd just find her somehow. Her biggest fear was if they could make this work without killing one another.


	9. you're not getting away that easily

_Current day, 2013, that evening  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

"For the love of God.. Did you really have to kick out of that? Was it necessary?" Kat murmured as she paced in front of the monitor, biting the side of her thumb, watching the match going on currently between Dean and one of the other guys on the roster.

Brad Maddox made this match, adding the stipulation that if anyone interfered on Dean's behalf, against this ape of a man he was fighting, Dean lost his title belt.

The man was huge, she wasn't sure but she thought she remembered someone calling him Brock or something. She found herself worrying just like she used to when they were in high school and he'd get into a fight with this ape of a drug dealer on their block named Lavon.

From behind her, the door swung open slowly and she grimaced as she heard Brad's voice behind her. Jumping away from him, she muttered, "Get lost."

"Just explain something to me, Kate.. How in the name of Christ do you know Dean Ambrose?" Brad asked angrily, even though it wasn't really any of his business, the way she saw it, personally.

"What the hell is it any of your concern?"

"Because, Kate.. I'm the reason you're here. And I have you right where I want you.. I'm not about to let some psychotic idiot mess it up."

"Yeah? Well you're kind of forgetting what happened last time you scared me, aren't you?" Kat asked as she looked at him, an angry gleam in her eyes. She'd already been pushed enough today, and the confrontation between herself and Dean still weighed heavily on her mind.. She didn't know how much she could really handle without hurting someone.

Brad backed up and leaned in a little, smirking as he said "Personally, I don't think this is bad for my first match. And Kate? Dean's not going to stop me from getting exactly what I want.."

The voices from behind him had him paling in slight fear as Roman stepped in and said "Maddox? Get the fuck out of here you little sack of crap. Did you not learn anything from the last time we all beat the hell out of you?"

Seth sneered at him then said calmly, "Dean told us to stick around. Since we can't go down and help him because some jackass decided to ban us from ringside."

Brad smirked and said calmly, "I did that so that it'd be fair.. If you two idiots weren't helping one another? One of the guys who's much better in that ring than you three would have already beaten you by now. The only reason the two of you are mad is because deep down, you both know this."

The two men stepped forward, sinister smirks on their faces as Kat spoke up and said "Can you three kill one another in the hallway? I have pictures to develop. Unlike Maddox here, I actually have a job." as she gave Brad a stinging scoff of a look and then pointed to the doorway, telling Seth and Roman, "I just need to think. Alone."

"We heard you and Dean had a talk." Roman said as he added, "The guy.. He means well but.."

"You're not telling me anything I didn't know already.. But thanks for the concern." Kat said as she found a bottle of tylenol, tossed them into her mouth, chased with a huge sip of bottled water, crunching the tylenol tablets as she sat scowling, thinking.

She had two options.. She could sit there, wait on all this to blow up in their faces, or she could do the smart thing and walk away now, get away from him for good before she did something and hurt him. Or he got angry and hurt her.

Because she was being completely realistic when she openly admitted that they were both two very volatile people and that given that fact, there was no way in hell this would ever work.

_'nothing worth having is ever easy to get. remember that, kat. and trust me.. if you embrace the darkness, if you just go with this, you're doing more good than harm. would I tell you wrongly?'_

**_'yes hell you would. Because trust me, the only way this will end is violently. if they don't kill one another, then something else will happen, and he'll realize just how 'unbalanced' she really is, how frigid she is and he'll be done with her so fast.. if he's not getting sex from her, do you honestly think that guy is going to actually love her? or even have a reason to stick around? you've heard the rumors about him.'_**

_'you and your doubts. you are the entire reason she's in this mess! you keep her curled up in the fetal position, giving up on everything before she even gives it a fair chance. she's an adult now. just because all of this happened to her, made her this way does not mean she can't change. nor does it mean that he's exactly like the others paint him to be. sure he's a little crazy, but at least he's a damn honest man. he's not lying and hiding his intentions. even though he wouldn't really tell you what they were, exactly, or what he wanted earlier.. just trust me, kat.. open up. let go for once before your life is over and you're dead without really living. not every man you encounter is out to hurt you like your aunt's boyfriend tried to, like brad tried to.. and if they do? you're a god damn fighter, fight 'em off, god damn it. just stop being the victim!'  
_

She punched the small desk she sat behind in anger, then muttered, "This is exhausting." to herself as she worked on editing all of the photos she'd taken earlier that day. Outside the doorway, Brad Maddox stood smirking. He might not have her yet, but now that he had this new position of power, it wouldn't be long until he could have her in any way he chose.

No matter what he had to do to make that very thing happen.

One way or another, he was determined to have Dean Ambrose eliminated from the picture.

Down in the ring, Dean's hand was raised in victory and he smirked into the camera. "Yeah, Maddox. Bring it on, bitch. But ya not gettin her. She's mine." he muttered to himself as he limped up the ramp, beyond tired, so angry right now he could taste it.

Seth and Roman met him in the hallway, telling him what they'd walked in on and he growled and was about to go and rip Brad apart limb from limb, but Kat stepped out, stopped him as she said calmly, " You.. Don't even think about it, damn it, have you lost your fucking mind? He is the GM now. Meaning he can go to McMahon and get you fired if he feels like it."

Dean studied her intently, wondering what the cause for the outburst was, feeling a surge of jealousy, wondering in paranoia if she did have something going on with Maddox.

The way he was looking at her made her groan and then growl, then punch him in the arm, and not the most gently either. "Damn it. If you're gonna think that every single time I try and stop you from doing something completely fucking retarded, there's no sense in even trying this."

She turned to walk away, he grabbed her wrist and growled quietly, "Where the fuck are ya goin?"

"Away from you before I punch you in the face. Look, we have trust issues. But every time another guy breathes on me, it does not give you the right to be a dick about it towards me. Clearly you still think about as much of me as you did after you found out the truth about me back in high school. And I'm not putting up with the shit."

Dean smirked and gripped her wrist tighter, pulled her against him, giving her another one of those intense kisses like he had earlier. "Damn.. Calm down." he muttered, managing a laugh of amusement adding, "Feisty. I like that. Knew ya still had a little bit of that fire in ya somewhere, damn it."

"You did that.. On purpose.. You ass." Kat seethed at him as he shrugged, dodged her second light punching attempt.

They walked out of the arena, and Kat figured that he'd get in, ride with Seth and Roman, but to her surprise, he got in the passenger seat of her car.

"What the hell?"

"Told ya. Ya mine. Do ya really think ya gettin out of my sight that damn easy?"

She said nothing, just started the car. Apparently, this was his way of 'discussing things', making decisions, and then expecting her to just go along with them. For now, she would. If there was a sign of problems though, or she found herself scared she couldn't avoid having one of her episodes, hurting him unknowingly, she'd figure something out then.

Her conscience had been right about one thing.. She'd waited this long to find him. Maybe there was a reason that she had.


	10. a long talk with dean

_Current day, 2013, that evening, hotel check in / during the night  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

"Look.. We're not rushing back into this, Jon. So get as mad as you damn well please, but there is just no way I'm gonna share a room with you on the road yet. I'm sorry, but trust me. It's better this way." Kat said as she gave Dean Ambrose a determined glare, her hand on her hips.

But of course, he was determined also, and he glared back then said calmly, "I don't care how pissed ya get, Kat. There is no way in hell ya gonna room alone either, especially the way Brad's been actin."

"Damn it, do you just purposely ignore everything I say? For kicks?" Kat asked as she looked at him, frantically trying to figure a way out of this present dilemma without revealing just how hellish her 'night terrors' were.

"Basically, yeah. I do. Because I said ya mine, and when I said that, Kat.. It meant ya not getting away. And that also meant I wasn't lettin ya get hurt, either." Dean grumbled as she growled and said in a hostile voice, "Fine. But I warned you. Don't say I didn't, Jon."

"What's that supposed to mean even?"

"It means what it means, Jon.. Brad told you some of what I go through. Just trust me, there's a damn good reason I live alone and I room alone while on the road with you guys.. But since you insist, then you're gonna find out." Kat said as she nodded to the check in desk, too tired to argue him anymore. They'd been arguing nonstop since they hit Pensacola, and now that they were in Orlando, it wasn't getting any better.

_'yeah.. if he wasn't done with you before now.. staying in the same room should damn well fix that. when he sees/hears what you go through at night most of the time.. '_

**_'there you go again. do you EVER shut the fuck up? I mean really.. you've kept her alone and bitter, scared to death this long.. when is it going to be enough? Don't listen to her, Kat.. Something tells me that he just might surprise you.'_**

_'right because he's such a KIND and COMPASSIONATE fucking guy. Kat? If you're smart, and I know you are.. You will not let him share a room with you tonight.. You've felt the episode that's coming on brewing for over a week now, you know it as well as I do. SHE seems to FORGET your problems, she's only worried about instant gratification, going after what you WANT and not what you NEED. I'm worried about you and your needs.'_

The man behind the counter slid Dean a key card, shot the two of them a strange look and then walked to the back, leaving Dean to turn, look at Kat, smirking. As soon as they made it to the elevator, he asked calmly, "What the hell is it with ya? Do ya just try to keep pushing me out? Ya still fuckin want him, don't ya? Maddox, I mean?"

The fact that he wasn't yelling or grabbing her, making her feel threatened put her at ease, but only slightly. And since he had gotten over 90 percent of the truth out of her by now, she sighed and said quietly, "No, no way in hell, Jon.. I'm.. I still.. Nevermind.. It's just I'm doing this for your safety, not mine. You don't scare me. It's me and what I could do to you if.."

"If what?" Dean asked, as he studied her, a small hint of a bitter smirk on his face. What the hell had happened to her? Just going by what she was admitting right now, it had to have been something huge.. What puzzled him more was that she admitted she wasn't afraid of HIM.. but what SHE might do to him..

It made no sense. She knew how he was, none of that frightened her?

"Nothing, Jon.. Just drop it, okay?" Kat muttered quietly as she looked at him, pleading with her eyes. The elevator stopped on their floor and he slid the keycard into the lock of their room.

Which only had one bed. She turned, her hand on her hip, giving him a dirty look as he said "You heard the guy.. This is the only room in the place left with a damn balcony. Why the hell do ya need one anyway?"

"Because, Jon. Those panic attacks? Make me feel closed in.. We don't want me to trash the hotel room like I did my backstage studio, do we?" Kat asked menacingly, her defenses at an all time high right now, afraid to lose him but afraid to let her guard down and let him in like he wanted her to do.

"Wasn't that bad." he muttered as he looked at the one double bed, smirked to himself. So sue him.. He'd paid the guy to say that.. But his reasons weren't selfish ones for once, which surprised the man, personally. His reasoning was that if she did have the stuff Maddox said she had.. He wanted to be there.. He wanted to see it first hand, know what the hell he was getting himself into.

"Sure. Sure it wasn't." Kat murmured as she grabbed a towel, her earphones, a tanktop and some plaid pajama bottoms, her toothbrush and toothpaste, headed to the bathroom, shutting the door firmly. The second the door was shut, she took about 4 huge deep breaths.

"What the hell am I thinking?" she groaned as she sank down, sat on the edge of the glamour sized bathtub, her head in her hands as she looked down at her feet, thinking about everything that'd happened that day.

And knowing Jon, he still assumed she was "easy" like he'd automatically assumed back then, after discovering what he had, and naturally, he was probably going to be an ass and refuse to just let her have the bed or let her take the couch and him take the bed.

Banging on the door had her jumping and she called out through gritted teeth, "What?"

"You okay in there?" Dean asked, his hand in his hair, his brow raised at the door in disbelief.. Did she not realize just how easily he lost his damn temper when someone walked away or ignored him?

"Yeah. Just go or something.. I'm gonna shower."

"Not gonna happen, Kat. I think we both know that we're gonna have a talk, whether you wanna or not." Dean said matter of factly as if it weren't up for discussion, and what he said went.

"Yeah.. I figured as much." Kat muttered quietly as she went over all the reasons this was going to go badly if they actually tried it, yet again, for about the millionth time that day.

Somehow, she got this nagging feeling that the lesser good of her two 'voices' was right.. If she let go, she'd be saving herself a lot of stress and strain. If she just gave into the almost magnetic pull he'd always had on her, she could finally at least satisfy her curiousity.

Until he got bored and left, of course.

She showered and then dressed, stepping out of the bathroom, toothbrush between her lips as she looked at him through a mess of brownish blonde hair that was still damp from her shower.

Dean smirked as he looked at her then said "Ya finally come out of there?"

"I was tempted to sleep in the bathroom.. Look.. Tonight.. "

"I know, Kat. Maddox told me that too. Look, I'm an asshole, but I ain't going to push you too much at one time." Dean said as he leaned against the opposite side of the door frame, dangerously close to her, his finger trailing just below the waistband of her pajamas, only to see her flinch in fear, yet again.

Deep down, this killed him. He hated it, because he didn't know what happened to her after she left Ohio to cause her to want to bury and erase everything about herself, become this controlled shell of her former self.

He stepped back and then muttered "Sit."

Kat sat down and sighed as she said "Can this talk wait? I'm exhausted, actually."

"No, it can't."

"Fine. Say whatever it is you have to, Jon."

Dean looked at her and raked his hand through his hair then blurted out what he'd been wondering... "That Adam guy.. He raped ya.. Didn't he?"

Kat paled and gulped as she looked down, shook her head then muttered, "He tried to.. I.. I had to do something to stop him..." biting her lower lip.

Sometimes, when she had the panic attacks, the blood seemed like it'd never go away. No matter how much she showered. No matter how much bleach she used. No matter how much she told herself it was just a trick of her mind, the guilt she couldn't get rid of.

He studied her a moment quietly and then muttered, "Oh."

He'd thought it was just her having been raped by the guy, possibly repeatedly.. He wasn't expecting the answer he got in the lack of an answer.

"Did ya kill the guy?"

"Don't, Jon."

"Ever stop and think that maybe ya not talkin about all this shit is what has ya so messed up ya can't sleep or think straight?" Dean flared, momentarily losing his temper, wanting to shake her for her stupidity.

"All the time.. But.."

"But nothin."

"You really love to call other people's bullshit.. How would you like it if I called you on some of yours?" Kat asked with a defensive smirk as she sat up straighter, looked him in the eyes as she turned on the edge of the bed to sit facing him, getting a little closer.

"Go ahead. Try it, babe."

"For one thing, Jon.. You're not the badass you tell everyone you are. You paint yourself out to be this unlovable and fucked up monster, and you pretend you're the only one in the world with a right to be a monster.. Newsflash, Good.. Monsters are in all of us. Even people like.."

"Like you.. Is that what ya were gonna say?" Dean asked as she groaned, sank back onto her back on the bed.

"I am that fucked up though, Kat.. It's kinda why I never got why ya sketched me, or ya snuck in to see my fights at the gym, or ya wrote that letter in the first place."

"You're not, Jon. You're a fucking survivor. You're a smart, determined and strong willed man." Kat said without meeting his eyes as he looked at her and then said "And ya not? Hell, everything you went through, Kat.. Explain to me one thing... Why'd ya keep stoppin those assholes from doin what they were doin? If ya wanted it to happen, ya woulda let it, right? That's called survival, babe."

"No, it's called doing whatever's necessary to keep from becoming my slut of a mother. I was afraid if I ever once gave in, Jon.. I'd enjoy it too much." Kat said calmly as she looked at him and then asked quietly, "Why find me now?"

"Something me and Seth were talkin about on the plane once.. Wasn't expecting to find ya like I did, but.. I found ya, that's what I wanted to do." Dean admitted calmly as he looked at her and then asked, "Why write all that to me and leave like ya did?"

She sighed and then said quietly, "I couldn't take the way you looked at me like I disgusted you.. I got sick of the abuse I was living with, I wanted out.. Too bad I didn't know I was heading into something way worse.. I'd have taken your insults and being an asshole towards me after you found all that out over what ultimately happened, what I had to wind up doing."

He grimaced. _'so she left because she hated the fact that I jumped to conclusions, gave her all that hell.. way to feel like an asshole, Good.'_

**_'she'll do something to hurt you sooner or later. so what she hasn't yet. They all do, sooner or later.'_**

_'pipe the fuck down. let them talk and get this out. it has to happen for both their sakes. you've done more than enough to fuck this up for him, fuck lots of things up for him, haven't you?'  
_

"See? Even now you still get disgusted."

"That wasn't why I did that, damn it, woman." Dean growled as he looked at her then said quietly, "Grimaced because I figured ya had some other reason, not what I did to ya." as he looked around the room for a moment. Neither of them had expected this conversation to be as draining as it had been so far, all day long.

"So.. what now?" Kat asked quietly as she studied her hands, biting her lip.

"What do ya think?" Dean asked as he looked at her, waiting.

"I mean are we going to try this, or .. " Kat asked as she looked at him, holding her breath.

Dean looked at her, raked his hand through his hair and then said quietly, "Yeah. I mean.. I'm not some good guy, Kat."

"I realize this, yes. But trust me.. There's blood on my hands too, so it's not like it really matters, now does it?" Kat muttered as he looked at her a moment.

He leaned her against him carefully, rested his chin on the top of her head as he laughed and then said quietly, "We're a fucked up pair."

"True, but.. At least we know and admit this.. Look at everyone else who pretends they're perfect.. To me, just admitting I'm broken's easier than bothering to hide it. I mean sure, I have to cut myself off from everyone and do a lot of weird stuff just to keep from losing it at the wrong time or place, but still.. I'm being realistic. I'm not hiding it."

He yawned and flopped back onto the bed, turning on the tv. For now, they'd bought enough old pain up, he was exhausted, frankly.

When he looked over again, it was because she was mumbling and whimpering, curling up and fighting something off in her sleep. He shook her awake and looked at her intently then asked, "Nightmare?"

Kat nodded and then muttered quietly, "Everything was red again." as she leaned against him carefully, looked up and muttered, "Sorry.. I didn't mean to wake you up.."

"You didn't.. I never actually sleep. Can't." Dean muttered as he looked at her and shrugged. "C'mon.. Let's try to get some sleep." he muttered as he rolled onto the side of the bed he'd been lying on. Kat reluctantly snuggled down into the side she'd fallen asleep on just now, laying there awake.

So she hadn't had that bad of a nightmare tonight, and when she had.. He had surprised her. Maybe this could work.. She had to at least try, right?

She had to be able to trust someone.


	11. getting past her defenses slowly

_Current day, 2013, that evening, hotel check in / during the night part two  
_

_{And a **huge hug and kiss** to **everyone reading this so far and reviewing**. I'm glad you're all liking this.}_

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME ADAM! I'LL... " Kat screamed at the top of her lungs as she thrashed around in the bed wildly, as if she were fighting off a much bigger and stronger person with every bit of strength she had in her person. It was almost 2 am, she'd been at this probably since about 1, but every time Dean tried to wake her, she'd swing at him.. And observing this bizarre fit, well, it was giving him insight he knew he needed, if he really wanted to help her.

He couldn't take it anymore, especially when she started to cry in her sleep and kept whimpering, "The room is red.. The room is red.. My hands are red.. What have I done?" A lot of people could claim he was ice cold, he felt nothing, he hurt never, but sitting here, listening to this, knowing that maybe if he hadn't pushed her so much to talk about everything they'd talked about earlier..

He felt guilty for this episode or whatever you called it. Had something he'd made her talk about earlier triggered this? And he was uncharacteristically concerned about her, afraid she'd hurt herself or him if he tried waking her. And then there were the other reasons he made himself sit here, listening to her, not moving as he drank Jack Daniels straight from the bottle while chain smoking.

He wanted to know exactly what happened to mess her up so badly when she left Ohio, and it was evident to him that the only way he'd ever really know, was to let her 'finish' out one of her episodes. He wasn't a shrink or anything, but McMahon did insist that he 'seek help' and so he did occasionally, (along with Randy Orton, a few others) have to go and see them.. Any shrink worth a damn would clearly tell you, that her inability to talk about things and deal with them was one of the roots to her problems, and if she didn't do it soon, she'd destruct and it'd probably wind up hurting her even more when she did, than if she had just told someone what she went through.

"Damn it.. I wanna wake her.. But I wanna let her get this out." he muttered as he paced the darkened room, his hand in his hair. So she was as messed up as he was apparently, if not worse. In some ways, her own struggle right now, it reminded him so much of his struggle then and how much differently things could have went for him, had he not been determined to rise above everything in his life then.

Had he not been determined to feed off of all of it, turn it and twist it, use it to fuel himself straight into what he dreamt of doing.

Now he had everything as he wanted it.. Everything but Kat, of course, and right now, it appeared to him that Kat might just need him more than he originally thought.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, so he turned on the lights just as she went into the corner, whimpering with her head on her knees..

"Hey.. Kat.."

Kat's head snapped up and she screamed, holding her hands to her ears as she shook her head and whispered, "Not real.. Not real.. None of it's real. Why are you here, Jon?"

He really couldn't figure out if she were still 'out of it' or if she were just snapping back into reality and on a hunch, he grabbed the pill bottle that sat nearby on her nightstand and read the side effects of that bottle and then another one, then he felt his stomach churning.

He knew by now that a man who was close to her aunt's boyfriend Adam was supposedly the one who "got her help".. And he also knew beyond a doubt that the meds in his hand were not to be mixed, especially not with each other..

He grabbed her hands in one of his, tilted her chin so that she had to look at him. "Kat.. I need ya to wake up."

"J-jon? The blood won't come off." she muttered as she held out her hands to him, palms up. He sighed and tried again, snapping his fingers in front of her face as he made a mental note to get rid of the pills, because something told him that she didn't need them.. "Why are you here, Jon?"

There was more to this than he realized and he was determined to get to the bottom of all of it, no matter how long it took. The man was nothing if not driven.

He had a sneaking suspicion that she was reliving the night she'd done whatever she'd done to result in the mental breakdown and Stress Disorder she had now as an adult, so he took a deep breath and said quietly, "Came to take ya back with me, Kat. To Ohio. I never shoulda said the stuff I did to ya.."

"No you didn't. You hated me. I disgust you, I can see it every time you look at me. I'm nothing but a whore's daughter who will grow up to be exactly like her mother."

"I did come to take you back with me.. Now c'mon, babe.. Let's get ya cleaned up, okay? I'll go run a shower or something." Dean muttered as he picked her up and carried her into the bathroom, turning on the water, turning his back.. He'd leave her in there, but right now, he was sort of afraid that she might just do something really really crazy and hurt herself.

As soon as the cold water hit Katerin, she snapped out of the very vivid nightmare and groaned as she sank down into the corner of the marble shower, letting the water wash over her. She'd been coming to for a little bit, so she was aware that unlike what she thought he'd do, leave the room, go to the hotel bar or something, leave her to deal with this on her own, Jon(Dean) hadn't actually left the room.

And he'd apparently tried to snap her out of it.

Shivering, she reached for a towel and then muttered quietly, "I'm sorry." as she looked at him for a moment. Dean shrugged as he studied her intently and then helped her to the bed she'd been sleeping in, sitting her down.

"This medicine.. I don't want ya takin this shit."

"I have to."

"Ya don't, Kat.. Ya got me, damn it." Dean insisted as he added "At least until the next time I gotta go see that company shrink with some of the guys.. Promise me, Kat. Because I got a bad feeling about this shit." he said as he waved the bottles in her face and then read what he'd read on the sides of them, to her, aloud.

She reached for them, he poured them down the drain as he said "Ya told me earlier, Adam's friend... He's the one who found ya, got ya to that hospital.. Do ya remember anything else?"

Kat shook her head and said quietly, "Jon, you don't have to deal with this.. You got enough going on."

"Don't have to, Kat.. but I'm gonna." he stated simply as he held her gaze and slid his arm over her shoulders, pulling her closer. "Ever thought of hypnosis? So ya might figure out what happened in reality the night ya keep having nightmares about?"

"Thought about it, too scared of what else might come out if it's done to me, Jon.. There's a lot you don't know about me, don't think I want ya finding out that way."

"So tell me, damn it."

"I will.. As soon as I can talk about it without it disgusting me so much." Kat muttered quietly as he rolled his eyes, stood, heading back to the couch. She surprised herself when she called out, "Can you sleep in here with me?"

He looked at her, started to say something, but shrugged and then slid into bed behind her, smirking to himself in the dark when she sort of warily let herself roll over, be held for once. Maybe his stubborn streak was going to help him get past her defenses after all.


End file.
